i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
