my phone needs a breathalizer
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
