just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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