I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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