Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
