so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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