did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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