I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
