Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
