I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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