it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
