My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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