Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
