I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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