All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Mom said you looked used
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We need a shit load of segways right now
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
