Im at strip club and am horny
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Barsexuality is the new black.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.