My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.