i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
