Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
