I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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