I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
