Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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