I think I won the penis lottery.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
