You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
be right there i have to get my cape
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
