he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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