Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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