She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
