He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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