Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
