I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
