He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
