Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
