i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
