Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
