i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
