i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
