you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
