This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
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