hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
