Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
