He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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