and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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