Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
