Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
