I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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