Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
