Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
