Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
