Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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