her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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