i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
