just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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