he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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