Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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