I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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